i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
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