I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
