We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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