I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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