A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
