Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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