apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
