1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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