Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize