shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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