Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
