Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
So squirting runs in the family.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
