Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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