Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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