So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
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