i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
