It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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