Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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