Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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