I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
