Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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