My liver just broke up with me...
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
