Apparently you make a good broom.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize