A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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