Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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