i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
