Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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