upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
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