u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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