Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
