How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
