Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
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