Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Randomize
