I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I didn't shave. On purpose
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
you never un-have a 4some
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
