i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
