I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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