I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
