College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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