I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Sorry about my life...
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Randomize
