It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
