my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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