maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize