Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
