she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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