My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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