It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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