I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize