my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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