You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
All I want is dick and wine.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
