I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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