I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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