please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
