My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Randomize
