jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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