did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Randomize
