there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
