My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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