i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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