I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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