I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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