haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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