I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
