Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
