but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
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