I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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