ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
