I CAN MOONWALK!
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I love you. Go after that dick
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
