My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
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